I have decided to “retire” from modelling.
Modelling was something I had wanted to do for a very long time. I first began in the industry at 14, but for various reasons, left soon after that. I tried to return while I was a full-time university student, but geography and the amount of time and effort I put into my studies interfered. After university, I figured it was my chance. It was a late start, sure, but it enabled me to give this particular goal of mine 100% and see where it would take me.
To be frank, it didn’t take me where I wanted it to and it didn’t take me as far as I had hoped. Not everything can work out the way you want it to. But I’m still extremely glad that I gave it a good shot. I’m very fortunate to have been able to do so.
When I was in Paris earlier this year, someone outside of the modelling industry asked, out of curiosity and politeness in expressing interest in what I do, “So what are you hoping to gain from modelling? Why do you model?” I felt uncomfortable, embarrassed even, but gave a quick, polite answer mentioning the “usual” reasons people get into modelling - a chance to travel, earn money, and because it is an interest of mine.
But later, I reflected on his questions and my discomfort and answers for a long time. I realized that I was no longer sure of what I was hoping to gain from modelling and that I no longer had valid reasons for doing it. With my work experience and education, I could be earning better, more steady money, and easily pay for my own travel, so those reasons were no longer valid. And the chance of me becoming a highly successful, big earner in the industry was slim to none, given the age I was beginning at, among other things.
And as far as my motivations for being in the industry go, those have been the hardest to discover and accept. Initially, I loved the industry because I felt like I fit it. As is common for many models, I felt awkward in my tall, lanky body. But when I was around other models, I felt normal, average even. As a teenager, this sense of belonging and fitting in was intoxicating. I also felt insecure about my looks. If I can be a model, I thought, and models are held in high regard for their appearance, than my appearance must be attractive, too. I’m reminded of one answer an anonymous model wrote in a survey when I was conducting research for my undergrad thesis:
“I wanted to model because I thought I was, at least superficially, proving to myself and others that I was beautiful.”
Sometimes the truth isn’t so pretty.
But that comfort I took in the industry when I was young was not there nearly as much a decade later. Age and other experiences brought with them greater self-esteem and confidence in myself. Aside from being mildly comforted by being around other young women with similar heights and sizes as myself, I didn’t feel a sense of belonging and I didn’t feel like I fit in anymore. In fact, I started to feel uncomfortable. At a recent audition, myself and three other models auditioned in a group. We each were to say our names, ages, and then walk for the clients: “15.” “15.” “14.” “26.” One of these things is not like the others.
All in all, modelling wasn’t making me happy. And it is this that became my main reason for “retiring” from it. Unlike a lot of other careers, where if you work hard you have a chance at getting ahead, this is not necessarily the case for models. Your career is mostly in the hands of the decision makers: agents, photographers, designers, and other clients. Of course, you have to take good care of your appearance, can improve on things like your walk and ability to pose for the camera, and be a consummate professional. These things might be necessary, but they certainly are not sufficient. Furthermore, your ”look”, and whether those physical traits you possess are “in” in the modelling industry exactly when you enter it, are just luck of the draw.
This lack of personal control over my work, not fitting in, and not feeling a sense of personal or professional growth have been making me unhappy. It turns out that I’m not the only one who feels this way. A week or so after I had notified everyone I needed to about my decision, I came across this academic study, which suggests that models are less happy than non-models of similar ages because the modelling profession does not satisfy basic psychological needs for happiness and well-being such as competence, forming deep relationships, exercising personal control, and being valued for things like skill and intelligence.
This isn’t to say that I didn’t find positive aspects to the industry - in fact, I found many. Modelling has led me to meet some really interesting, kind, intelligent people like Danielle Meder and Dan Grant, just to name a couple. And there are a heck of a lot of wonderful young women working as models who do not fit the negative stereotypes they are often labelled with. Modelling has also helped me to learn a lot about myself, my interests, my motivations, and goals. I have thicker skin and can better handle rejection. It has helped me to learn how to look my best and broadened my definition and understanding of beauty. I’ve also learned that models can claim some pretty outrageous items as expenses on their tax returns.
Sometimes I’m angry at myself because I worry I made the wrong decision – wasting two years to go back to modelling when I could have spent that time building a more sustainable, future-oriented career. But I don’t think it was a mistake. It gave me a break from school and enabled me to fully engage in trying to achieve this goal. I leave it behind with full confidence that it is time to put it in the past and move on. Perhaps it was more of an exercise in preventing regret than anything else, but getting to move forward without wondering if modelling ever would have worked out for me, is satisfying and calming in its own way.
Having been in the industry, and now being outside of the industry, will enable me to better communicate my views and thoughts about it, and bring a better, more balanced perspective to my writing and research. I’m confident in my decision. My mind feels very liberated to be free from it, allowing me to begin planning out my next career move.
There are models-turned-actors, models-turned-designers, and models-turned-entrepreneurs. For now, I guess that I am a model-turned-nothing. But, most of us have stages of searching and self-discovery in our lives. I’m okay with this.
This is, in part, why there has been a hiatus in my blogging. I needed to set everything aside and do a lot of thinking and planning about my future. To my readers, I’m sorry for not posting for so long but thank you for your patience. And to those who encouraged me to keep blogging and expressed that they missed it - you are so sweet. Thank you for the push I needed to get back to it.
